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chinkskicass
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Name: Billy
Country: Canada
State: British Columbia
Birthday: 8/14/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking.
Expertise: COOKING!!
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message meEmail: email me
MSN: billissimo86@hotmail.com
ICQ:  27555528
Member Since:
6/3/2003
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| Yeap, merry fuckmas. or workmas.
thats okay, i know i'm working for sure since i work in the restaurant business. then why fuckmas if one may ask.
work has been busy and tiring. i've been mostly drained emotionly from work. getting bullshit and having to put up a hard working cooperative face towards my chef is is not helping his poor situations with his team. anyhow, its over, new year's is next.
personal life wise. it has been garbage for one part, but it destroys the rest. i had a good dinner gathering with my family at my hotel. had great times with friends. but relationship-wise, horrible.
its long story. but now i've come to a point where i'm tired of trying. trying to give her courage to deal with this long distance for two more months. i'm tired of dealing with her bitching of me not there after it has been resolved a week ago.
i think there are a few types of boyfreinds out there. ones that are always agressive and giving shit the their girlfriends. and yet, the girlfriend still loves him and tries to change the bad side of her.
and then theres boyfriends that would suck it up and still give her a happy smiley face that nothing has happend. these boyfriends are afraid to give her shit. why? she would start having emotional break-down and start giving up on everything, even their relationship.
so yes, and unfortunately, i am the second type. i cant help it. and i'm also afraid to see her go down like that. fuck it then, forget about it, i'm horrible, i will never be good to you, you have been great to be and i have done nothing good to you. lets break up, i cant change, i can be a good girlfriend. shit like that.
i have been supportive and encouraging to make her a better person, not just for myself. but once shit happends, i get this horrible treatment. i thought karma only lands on people who is bad. what happend?
well, i seriously am breaking up. i'm lossing hope. i dont have that never giving up energy to try anymore. i feel i can find some body better. i'm tired of her complaints of me not there. what about me? i sucked it up and still give a happy face. fuck......
my friend said, "ditch that shit if you are not happy. thats what life is about, be happy."
should i?
thanks for not calling or picking up my call on christmas. i know its not a big day for me. but still, its christmas why the fuck would i spend money and send gift to you all the way to japan. and in days ahead making sure it arrives on time. and where the fuck it my gift? "sorry, i have been busy finding a job and you know i'm low in funds." i dont need no fucking gucci wallet or louis vutton hand bag. i just want something to show you care and love me. but nothing. so fuck you.
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| why?
hmm, lets see. i love my girl, she loves me too. shes been faithful to me. why cant i?
so i was at the club today. i got really close to a girl. close enough to seal the deal. but i fleed.
i regret because i couldnt get some physically. but i'm proud of myself for leaving the club bymyself and walking home yself.
but then, it sounds wrong or some what wrong thta i want some only physically.
i guess its just human nature. especially men with their testosterone. always needed some. with my young age.
but hey, even though i'm fuking drunk now, i got the fuck out and end up being at home alone. but i'm some what regret that i'm not home with her.
after all, i have to remind myself that shes not my girl and i have a faithful one across the pacific. stay focus buddy....
anyhow, i will try harder with that. i'm horrible. it has been better before, why this naughty now? lets improve from this.
peace.......
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| so tonight. i disrespected my former boss from an small employer that i used to work for.
how? i went to their restaurant and ordered take out food after they had given last call 7 mins ago. the chef flipped out.
working in the industry i know well. but i can neglect those feelings and order those items. only for my signifcant other.
for her, i could actually lose my mind and doing things that i shouldnt be doing.
i think this is bad news.
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| "i guess xanga is a good place for me."
it might be bad. but i find that if i write about my girlfriend on mixi, she might read it and feel uncomfortable or starts questioning. so i found my privacy, xanga.
for the past few years. i see myself trying really hard to be mature and to be an good adult. i find it uncomfortable to be considered young or just a kid. but i am!
so as i was thinking hard about it last night. it all boils down to work place and respect.
at work, if you look older, you are sometimes considered skillful. the opposite is pretty obvious, fucking newb. i'm not saying that i'm super good. but i these perceptions that i'm still a newb only from my appearence. i get that in every work place i go to.
and so therefore, i had to act and be mature. showing them i can handle things on my own and showing them i can do all the tasks that they can also do.
so outside of work, i wish to be to the one who is considered as a respectable friend. not just a fucking aquintance that is good to drink and fuck around with.
then i find myself trying hard to get along with older people. showing myself that i'm in the mature catagory than just some kid who still fucks around and cannot have a intellectual conversation.
then it all boils down to relationships. is that why i like dating older woman? woman in their mid 20's? i start thinking that i'm such a hypocryte in times like these. trying so hard to be someone(thinking its a good thing) to show myself and others that i'm not incapable or not trust worthy.\
anyhow. i'll find my equilibrium soon. and by the way, i figured out my insecurities from my last blog. not all, but i can much understand a lot of the issues now. i'm working on it.
ciao. and thanks again xanga.
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| yes, i havent been here for ages. i have been using mixi.jp for some time. i gave up on xanga. why? think about it, i got almost no more friends who uses it. only a few.
so why i'm back? i just wanted to write something that my significant other wouldnt see it in mixi.
anyways. lets begin.
tonight. my girlfriend is out clubbing with her friends and co workers.
strange enough. no matter how faithful or even how up tight she is to other men, i still feel insecure.
forgive my diction. it may not be insecure. its leaning towards jealousy. like, wow, you are having fun with your friends and i'm stuck at home after a hard days of work.
i've never really encounter that kind of feeling with my ex's. only this one. i mean, i do trust her. knowing that she wont end up with another guy after going out. i know she doesnt like grinding on the dance floor with another man. then why do i feel bad about this? shes just going out to have some fun with her friends. and i should totally feel fine about it.
i remember in the past, my ex used to go out with her friends. it may be going to a club or going out with a group of friends which are mostly guys and alchohol was invovled. i did not feel a thing. i have 100% trust over her.
so why not this one. i really really question myself that.
and these days, maybe because i'm having a bitter mood, i'm starting to question my relationship with her.
i know in my heart that i totally love her. so much that many things could be put behind. money, time, even a bit of my future.
i also know that i dislike a few actions of her. how shes jokingly negative about many things that i sugest or express. its just joke. but i i get tired of her fun sometimes. and also how she gives me this fit where she gets upset or mad like a lil girl over little things.
it gets me really uncomfortable and even agravated when i anticipate a joyful afternoon or day off with her.
and if i do confront to her. she gets all depress and antisocial about everything. and also starts to break down emotionaly. like:"alright, fine, forget about it then, fuck this, lets break it up, i'm horrible and i wont be able to treat you better cuz thats me." something like that.
with all that said. there are cute and great things about her. there are happy and laughable moments.
but is it great enough to over come the things i dislike about her? i'm stil in debate.
then today somehow, i thought about if i am in denial that happy with her. as if i'm proving myself that i made my happiness after allllllll the hard work i tried to get her back and all the hard work i tried to win her happiness to make me happy. with my imaturity, i still question all that.
i'm sure with all these things thats bothering my sanity, i'll be able to answer them soon. but now, i wish to express it. and again, thanks to xanga, i am able to comfortably express it here.
thanks.
ciao. good luck to myself and to those who has similar issues.
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