chinkskicass's Xanga

Merry fuckmas

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 09:41:30 GMT

Yeap, merry fuckmas. or workmas.

thats okay, i know i'm working for sure since i work in the restaurant business. then why fuckmas if one may ask.
work has been busy and tiring. i've been mostly drained emotionly from work. getting bullshit and having to put up a hard working cooperative face towards my chef is is not helping his poor situations with his team. anyhow, its over, new year's is next.

personal life wise. it has been garbage for one part, but it destroys the rest. i had a good dinner gathering with my family at my hotel. had great times with friends. but relationship-wise, horrible.

its long story. but now i've come to a point where i'm tired of trying. trying to give her courage to deal with this long distance for two more months. i'm tired of dealing with her bitching of me not there after it has been resolved a week ago.

i think there are a few types of boyfreinds out there. ones that are always agressive and giving shit the their girlfriends. and yet, the girlfriend still loves him and tries to change the bad side of her.
and then theres boyfriends that would suck it up and still give her a happy smiley face that nothing has happend. these boyfriends are afraid to give her shit. why? she would start having emotional break-down and start giving up on everything, even their relationship.

so yes, and unfortunately, i am the second type. i cant help it. and i'm also afraid to see her go down like that. fuck it then, forget about it, i'm horrible, i will never be good to you, you have been great to be and i have done nothing good to you. lets break up, i cant change, i can be a good girlfriend. shit like that.
i have been supportive and encouraging to make her a better person, not just for myself. but once shit happends, i get this horrible treatment. i thought karma only lands on people who is bad. what happend?

well, i seriously am breaking up. i'm lossing hope. i dont have that never giving up energy to try anymore. i feel i can find some body better. i'm tired of her complaints of me not there. what about me? i sucked it up and still give a happy face. fuck......

my friend said, "ditch that shit if you are not happy. thats what life is about, be happy."
should i?

thanks for not calling or picking up my call on christmas. i know its not a big day for me. but still, its christmas why the fuck would i spend money and send gift to you all the way to japan. and in days ahead making sure it arrives on time. and where the fuck it my gift? "sorry, i have been busy finding a job and you know i'm low in funds." i dont need no fucking gucci wallet or louis vutton hand bag. i just want something to show you care and love me. but nothing. so fuck you.

stay the fuck away....

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 09:25:46 GMT

why?
hmm, lets see. i love my girl, she loves me too. shes been faithful to me. why cant i?
so i was at the club today. i got really close to a girl. close enough to seal the deal. but i fleed.
i regret because i couldnt get some physically. but i'm proud of myself for leaving the club bymyself and walking home yself.
but then, it sounds wrong or some what wrong thta i want some only physically.

i guess its just human nature. especially men with their testosterone. always needed some. with my young age.

but hey, even though i'm fuking drunk now, i got the fuck out and end up being at home alone. but i'm some what regret that i'm not home with her.

after all, i have to remind myself that shes not my girl and i have a faithful one across the pacific. stay focus buddy....

anyhow, i will try harder with that. i'm horrible. it has been better before, why this naughty now? lets improve from this.

peace.......

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 06:40:12 GMT

so tonight. i disrespected my former boss from an small employer that i used to work for.
how? i went to their restaurant and ordered take out food after they had given last call 7 mins ago. the chef flipped out.
working in the industry i know well. but i can neglect those feelings and order those items. only for my signifcant other.
for her, i could actually lose my mind and doing things that i shouldnt be doing.

i think this is bad news.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:51:35 GMT

"i guess xanga is a good place for me."
it might be bad. but i find that if i write about my girlfriend on mixi, she might read it and feel uncomfortable or starts questioning. so i found my privacy, xanga.

for the past few years. i see myself trying really hard to be mature and to be an good adult. i find it uncomfortable to be considered young or just a kid. but i am!

so as i was thinking hard about it last night. it all boils down to work place and respect.
at work, if you look older, you are sometimes considered skillful. the opposite is pretty obvious, fucking newb. i'm not saying that i'm super good. but i these perceptions that i'm still a newb only from my appearence. i get that in every work place i go to.

and so therefore, i had to act and be mature. showing them i can handle things on my own and showing them i can do all the tasks that they can also do.

so outside of work, i wish to be to the one who is considered as a respectable friend. not just a fucking aquintance that is good to drink and fuck around with.
then i find myself trying hard to get along with older people. showing myself that i'm in the mature catagory than just some kid who still fucks around and cannot have a intellectual conversation.

then it all boils down to relationships. is that why i like dating older woman? woman in their mid 20's? i start thinking that i'm such a hypocryte in times like these. trying so hard to be someone(thinking its a good thing) to show myself and others that i'm not incapable or not trust worthy.\

anyhow. i'll find my equilibrium soon. and by the way, i figured out my insecurities from my last blog. not all, but i can much understand a lot of the issues now. i'm working on it.

ciao. and thanks again xanga.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 06:04:52 GMT

yes, i havent been here for ages. i have been using mixi.jp for some time. i gave up on xanga. why? think about it, i got almost no more friends who uses it. only a few.

so why i'm back? i just wanted to write something that my significant other wouldnt see it in mixi.

anyways. lets begin.

tonight. my girlfriend is out clubbing with her friends and co workers.
strange enough. no matter how faithful or even how up tight she is to other men, i still feel insecure.

forgive my diction. it may not be insecure. its leaning towards jealousy. like, wow, you are having fun with your friends and i'm stuck at home after a hard days of work.

i've never really encounter that kind of feeling with my ex's. only this one. i mean, i do trust her. knowing that she wont end up with another guy after going out. i know she doesnt like grinding on the dance floor with another man. then why do i feel bad about this? shes just going out to have some fun with her friends. and i should totally feel fine about it.

i remember in the past, my ex used to go out with her friends. it may be going to a club or going out with a group of friends which are mostly guys and alchohol was invovled. i did not feel a thing. i have 100% trust over her.

so why not this one. i really really question myself that.

and these days, maybe because i'm having a bitter mood, i'm starting to question my relationship with her.
i know in my heart that i totally love her. so much that many things could be put behind. money, time, even a bit of my future.
i also know that i dislike a few actions of her. how shes jokingly negative about many things that i sugest or express. its just joke. but i i get tired of her fun sometimes. and also how she gives me this fit where she gets upset or mad like a lil girl over little things.
it gets me really uncomfortable and even agravated when i anticipate a joyful afternoon or day off with her.

and if i do confront to her. she gets all depress and antisocial about everything. and also starts to break down emotionaly. like:"alright, fine, forget about it then, fuck this, lets break it up, i'm horrible and i wont be able to treat you better cuz thats me." something like that.

with all that said. there are cute and great things about her. there are happy and laughable moments.
but is it great enough to over come the things i dislike about her? i'm stil in debate.

then today somehow, i thought about if i am in denial that happy with her. as if i'm proving myself that i made my happiness after allllllll the hard work i tried to get her back and all the hard work i tried to win her happiness to make me happy. with my imaturity, i still question all that.

i'm sure with all these things thats bothering my sanity, i'll be able to answer them soon. but now, i wish to express it. and again, thanks to xanga, i am able to comfortably express it here.

thanks.
ciao. good luck to myself and to those who has similar issues.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 05:44:26 GMT

"well its still there"

recently, it has been good and bad. but mostly good.

single life has been treating me right. more people from the opposite sex has been in my presence and do make my "lonely heartbreak recovering" life much easier.

but all in all, that feeling of missing, reminiscing the great times or how she is still remained even after experiencing dating and meeting new people.

its been almost two months now. and its still like this. lets give it more time. gambaruyo.

Mata? Again?

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 23:51:23 GMT

oh gawd. another heart break? another breakup. come on, give me a break. its only been almost a year since my last relationship. it took me sometime to recover. and now another one?

i understand, or should i say believe, that everything happens for a reason. so what is this leading me to? two heart breaks in a year. thats not very fun at all.

i fall in love too easy. thats one very very lethal flaw that i have. and also, i am a very emotional person. at front, i may not look like it, but at heart, its bleeding hard.

i wonder how many more nights i have to cry myself to sleep. i wonder how many more meals i cannot finish because of thinking over the saddness or even crying about it. i'm very emo like that.

i'm kinda afraid to love again. and the lonely winter cold is coming ahead of us. this winter will would be a hard one to tackle. i feel lonely already. samishiyo.......

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 07:24:51 GMT

"finally eh"

yeah, totally. finally i came back. its been almost a month and hlaf since i've updated. i:ve been a little too occupied and lazy these days. i dont know how i can keep up with xanga and reading my subsriptions now, that goes for mixi too. its so bad. awhile ago, i wanted to write about my birthday, but it didnt happen. couple days ago, i want to write about our end of summer and our start of autum. but it didnt happen until finally now. sorry guys, ごめね.... but i doubt it matters at all to anybody here since again, my audience arent here anymore. haha. damn the facebook rivals.

so anyway. our summer had just gracefully ended. it had been short. but a good one i have to say. the fun and joy for me always happen in my summer. well, many of them lets say. one of the best example like, summer love. having a partner is such a great blessing in the summer. you go out and enjoy your sun with your partner, getting drunk in a sunny patio with your partner, simple events like these are very satisfying.

few days ago, the 21st, is the official day of the start of autum. it was totally out of surprise because, at the same day, i pulled out my winter jacket from last year that i had stored in the closet for moooonnnths. it was like, "long time no see love, i hope i get a new jacket soon so i dont have to wear you everyday".

anyways. pictures would show the high light of my happy summer days.

My birthday party at chigusa's house. i had a really really good time that night. felt really gifted. i partied 3 days straight. i thought i wouldnt make a party cuz i dont have much friends or that i doubt any body would come if i do host a party. but it was really unexpected.

i dont think i need to explain this one. the famous gay parade. btw, i have a black underwear just like that.

This it. beauty. lets hope this fall/winter wont be as tragic or depressing like last year.

love,

Billissimo.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 03:18:14 GMT

"hanabi"

well well. i guess 99% of the ppl in my list dont use xanga anymore. and i'm the only who survived. the rest probably ended up following the majority and indulged themselves into the evils of facebook. yes, i have one. but i dont do shit with it. i have it to see photos and find friends i havnt been able to find for years. other than that, i try to avoid touching that.

so the fireworks was pretty good. china was awsome. i felt even more proud to be Chinese now. we kicked ass that day.

as for the crowd. theres just too many. haha. toooo many. and many stupid girls especially. for some reason....

me and my lady pimped out in yukata, casual kimonos, and that was pretty cool. its actually my first time wearing a yukata. it was amusing. and a lot of eyes. like a city attraction. it felt good. we had canadians running up to us and said, "oh, you guys are so kawaii!" but that yukata took away 80 coins from my wallet. it was worth i have to say. only for two events though.

so what else... oh, gay parade was another amusement. it was actually my first time going down to the streets to see the parade. in the past, i've always been working, so i never had the chance to enjoy the fun. i also saw one of my coworker dancing in the march. and yes, he was gay. it was nice to see him having so much joy in the march. "oh jamie, i didnt know you were that muscular~" haha

work these days has been alright. i'm pretty used to the whole environment. my chef was on holiday last week, so those days were such a wonderful joyride. he back now, with a happy mood. lets hope it continues to be a smooth sail.

relationshipwise. its 3 months this tuesday. and i'm pretty happy that we could survive this long. we've overcome issues and difficulties. we both worked hard to improve ourselves to be a better loving couple. so that is good.

anyways. too lazy to write more. see yah.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 02:32:36 GMT

"food is like sex"

i was watching a cooking show on the food network earlier. and there was this guy making all these sexual expressions and sounds. if you dont look at his cooking. you can literaly assume that hes having some great sex than cooking some great food. and it sounds like: "oooh yeaaah. mmmm, this is good. oooooh baby.!" such and such~

as a cook, i can totally understand him. because food has some sort of magical things in it that makes you feel orgasmic while cooking it, or while eating it. i remember my sous chef once telling me how the fresh raw pork belly makes him horny. and i laughed. but i do feel him.

i also remember the other day when me and chigu tan was eating heart killer mc donalds 3 am in the morning after a night of partying. we were so joyous munching on our chicken nuggets and double cheese burgers. sometimes food just makes you feel like you are having sex. especially when you crave for certain foods out of the blue and went thru allll the trouble just to eat it.

ah, sigh, god i love food too much. i'm pretty sure chigusa feels the same. haha. thats why we are always eating. CONSTANTLY!

p.s. "mmmmmm.... ooooooh yeeeeeeeeeaaah, ahhhhhh.... yeab baby! ... ouuuuuuuuuuu...."